Turd Burgular

The turd burgular would sneak around,
stealing peoples turds,
Until someone pointed out,
'That's totally absurd!'
Now he sneaks around...
Just putting the turds back
It's gonna take ages...
He's filled a whole sack!

Tomato Head

The terrible story of tomato head,
Who gobbled tomatoes, ignoring what the doctor said
'you could be more careful, you eat them too fast,
Someone turned into a turnip the week before last!'
Joey wasn't ashamed and continued to scoff

What did the doc know? The silly old toff
One fateful day, he opened the fridge up
Filled with tomatoes from bottom to top
He scoffed and he stuffed his greedy chops
Not stopping for breath to bring his head up

When all of a sudden with a yelp and a yell
Joey's small head began to swell
The yell turned back into a yelp
For no one was even on hand to help!

It swelled and it swelled, and began to turn red
And filled dear Joey with absolute dread
From the top of his head, grew a green sprout
And poor Joey shouted out, his very last shout

It's going round and red and red and round
And no one sees as i sink to the ground
Now in came his brother for a tasty treat
A tomato is exactly what he wanted to eat

His eyes befell the big juicy fruit
Deliscious and bulging, unguarded to boot
His belly rumbled and he thought it was fate
He picked up poor Joey and ate and he ate

Now this disaster fills us all with dread
If silly Joey listened to what the doctor said
He wouldn't have turned into tomato head
And be in his brothers belly stone dead.

Fly Boy

One unfortunate couple gave birth to a fly
'He's hideous!...Away!' Mother cried
With human body and intellect
But with wings, and the body of an insect

She need not have worried
For he flew right away
For he was as unhappy
As Larry is gay

'I'll never be happy!' he thought and he cried
'I wish she'd swatted me at birth...so hard that I'd died!'
But before his tears had a chance to dry
A smile lit up his face as his fly eyes spied...

A sight to light any fly's face
A port'a'loo overflowing with human waste
I'll live forevermore in this disgusting pit!
For nothing makes a fly happier than a big pile of shit!

Pet Fish

If I could have just one wish
I'd wish I'd never murdered that fish
I picked him up, and choked him to death
And I laughed, as he breathed his last fishy breath,
Now I'm filled with remorse and regret
To cheer myself up, I'll get another pet.

Mr Match and Mrs Candlestick

Mr Match and Mrs Candlestick
Had one hell of a party trick
He'd drag his flammable head along a rough wall
And then, to the delighted gasps of all
With a kiss, he'd ignite her waxy head
'She's hot' he'd cry, 'that's why we wed!'
Then to applause and a frightened shout
He'd casually lean in and blow the flame out

More applause...and 'wow' someone said!
But poor Mr Matchstick was filled with dread
He thought he'd gone mad, or could he be drunk?
For to him, his wife looked as though she had shrunk...
But he loved the applause...so like a chump
He carried on until his wife was just a waxy lump!!!